My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
