if only i could text you this smell
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
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