Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
