Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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