some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
