I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I need water and some morals
as a side note pls kill me
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
