at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
me + whiskey = a bad person
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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