Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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