I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
