He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
