I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
what day is it and did you see me today?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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