I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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