I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
