How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
