Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
