I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
