My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
