When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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