On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
she told me i tasted like america
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
