she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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