Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
