you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
