Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
