dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
