Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
