Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
