i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
