i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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