I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
