Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im holly from the hills drunk
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
