im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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