The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I supernannyed him into submission
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
