I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
