Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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