Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
