thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize