i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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