those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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