he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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