Cold hands, warm shart.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
did i walk over a car last night?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
