It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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