Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Boobs are out for the taking
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
