Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.

(773): View more from Illinois

I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...

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(773): View more from Illinois

Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.

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(585): View more from New York

I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.

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