I want to have your abortion
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
