just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
