Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
