Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
