Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
