So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
