the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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