something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
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Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
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We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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