Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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