I'm so fucking centered right now
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
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