I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
