We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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