I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
