all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
