i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
