If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
