You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
