I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
